Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dear Cosmo

Dear Cosmo,

I have been a loyal reader since before I even understood the real meaning of many of your articles. In fact I do believe that I first picked up your magazine at the start of my teen years. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Plus I must be honest and admit that all of your "dirty" cover stories truly did catch my eye and intrigue me, even if I didn't get half of what was in the articles. I did live for your embarassing moments stories, they truly would be mortifying. I even followed through on my subscription when I moved out and needed to make sure that you were delivered directly to my front door, waiting to pick you up at the grocery store or borrow you from my Mom just seemed too long. And once I birthed my son, I still stuck with you. I made the decision that while I would also be receiving those Parenting magazines, I simply couldn't give up my Cosmo. After all I am still a woman, just a Mom now too. Somewhere, somehow though I feel that we have started to grow apart. Perhaps go our separate ways?? I would tell you that it's not you, it's me but that would be a lie.

Your most recent issue really showed me our vast differences. Apparently while I have been growing up and exploring new horizons, you have remained the same. Single, childless, fashion crazy, and just plain unrealistic in your expectations on those of us who are married, mothers, who sometimes don't even get to shower, and don't expect to weigh the same as we did in highschool. I'm starting to feel that it may be time to sever our relationship while we are still on good terms. Before the name calling and bad feelings start to set in. After all it would be nice to have a fling with you every once in a while.

I was shocked while flipping through the pages of your February 2009 issue, I do feel that this was the one that pushed me over the edge. I'm all for reading about "Sex Bloopers" and "8 Things in Your Closet That Make You Look Chunky". I even glanced through "What Sex Feels Like for Guys" because who knows you may be right since you did poll, what, 20 guys at least to fill the article. Though for some reason I feel that your article may lack the quality to win any prizes. I really did enjoy reading about your "Fun Fearless Males".

However when I came across "What Love Does to Your Diet", I was personally offended. You clearly state, "your ass should not grow in direct porportion to your affection for your guy". And while I'm all for exercising and eating healthy, at least the idea of it, your article was a little cruel and pathetic. Why should women everywhere climb out of bed with their loved one to head to a 7am spin class just because they had a little extra to eat the night before?? And how tacky of you to sugguest that if a man is falling in love with you that seeing a little bit of weight gain would send him running for the hills. Isn't it supposed to be what's on the inside that counts?? Or sugguesting that you only have one of the following: appetizer, drink, or dessert to remain thinner. Why can't I just enjoy myself. Not to mention the not so subtle list of "harmless" bites than can ruin my figure. How sweet of you to even add up all of the extra weight that I don't need to be packing around. Now I'm not a big girl, quite the opposite in fact, but I was truly offended by your lack of compassion and support for women everywhere who are already battling weight issues before you informed them that their chances of falling in love can be dashed if they eat one more mozzarella stick.

As I was still coming down from the rage that filled me as I read the previous article, I stumbled across "When Your Friends Start Having Babies". I probably should have put the magazine down and come back to it later, but alas I did not. Instead I continued to read, and start to worry about where our "friendship" would end up when I was finished with this article. Rather than finding understanding for the new Mom, you find pity for the friend who was left behind. Cause you know life is all about them. When I had my son, I was awoken several times every night with worry about how my friend who slept through the night was doing while I was busy changing diapers and doing laundry. You know I had a lot of spare time on my hands while I was taking care of a whole 'nother human being. The same person that I'd agonizingly pushed right out of me, in a most painful way. Well, my labor wasn't painful, but that's purely beside the point. You even go as far as to say that it's rough even when a childless friend does finally get an opportunity to visit with the new mother, because she doesn't have her full attention focused while she is worrying about her newest addition. Weird how that happens!!! While you do try to make up for your incompetence later in the article by sugguesting that new Mom's are adapting too, the damage has already been done.

I must say that this issue, was quite the eye opener for me. You are very lacking in the real life experiences department. I find it very difficult to move forward in our relationship now and don't know that you will be hearing from me when your renewal arrives next month. Perhaps I'll move past this, but it will be a long road to recovery. I think that while you were a friend and companion for me when I was unsure of the real world, now that I'm living life you may not have anything left to offer me. I hope that we can still be friends.

Sincerely,

Disappointed, Mozarella-Loving, Wife and Mommy in Washington

1 comment:

Kelly said...

OMG Kim, that's freaking hilarious! :D